The "Try-Hard" Tombstone, the 1/4 Inch Miss, and the End of Striving
I used to think that if I had a gravestone, I'd want it to read: Here lies Micah Gaudio. I tried.
That is how my entire life has felt—a relentless, exhausting cycle of just missing the mark. When I ran track from first to third grade, I was never first, never second. Always third. I missed my lifetime goal of 17 feet in the pole vault by a agonizing quarter of an inch. My coach still reminds me that even though my body sailed almost ten inches above the bar, I officially only cleared 16' 11 3/4". At Liberty University, I was in a long, storied line of great decathletes. There had been nine All-Americans before me, and I was supposed to be the tenth. But I failed. I couldn't run a 4:20 in the 1500 meters because I simply didn't put in the work. I was too enthralled with playing rock star, touring up and down the East Coast with my band. And I failed at that, too. We had the look, the crowds, and four produced albums, but we never really made any money.
The failures scaled as I got older. I went bankrupt in 2011, just three years after selling a magazine and being a millionaire. I failed in two marriages. I failed in probably a thousand other business ideas. I failed spiritually. But the heaviest failure I carry is with my kids. I promised myself they wouldn't grow up spoiled, even telling them I'd move them into a trailer if I had to. But ultimately, I failed to provide a safe enough environment for my son, who was murdered at 19. I realize now my primary goal was just making them self-sufficient so they wouldn't live with me at 30 or 40. Looking back, I'd give anything to have them living with me now. Thankfully, Cash loved the Lord with all his heart and mind, and I have absolutely no doubt where he is today.
Cash knew me well. He used to call me a "try-hard." He was absolutely right.
But I am done trying. This week, we started using a physical "worry box" in the house. I put my unfiled corporate taxes in there, surrendering them to God, and miraculously, an accountant stepped in and finished them the very same day. I am sick of white-knuckling my life. I can't try to control my temper anymore. I can't try to save people who have lost their way. I can't even try to be a better Christian. I realized that even my early morning devotions had become a performance. I was so proud of myself for getting up at 4:00 or 5:00 AM, but the moment I shut my Bible, I was done. I wasn't carrying a relationship with Christ into my meals or my daily decisions. That is just religious striving.
I no longer want I tried on my tombstone. I want Servant of God, bearer of fruits.
Today's SOAP
S - Scripture
Galatians 5:16 (NIV): "So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh."
Galatians 5:22-23 (NIV): "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
Matthew 16:25 (NIV): "For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it."
O - Observation
In my discipleship notes this week, the breakdown of our human striving is laid out perfectly. We get stuck in a brutal cycle: Sin ➔ Remorse ➔ Determination ➔ Relapse. The entire pattern of failure is rooted in the word "I". The flesh relies on striving. We think we can change by just trying harder, but that only leads to exhaustion and frustration. The fruit of the Spirit is not a checklist of virtues we achieve through raw discipline or white-knuckling our behavior; it is the actual character of Christ made visible in us only when we submit to Him. You can't strive your way into the Kingdom. You have to lose your life to find it.
A - Application
I am relinquishing control 100%. Self-reliance will always fail. You cannot change your own identity; you have to invite the Spirit in to do the heavy lifting. I am taking the "I" out of the equation. If I am just trying harder, I am not submitting. Today, I am taking all my urges to fix, control, and perform, and I am putting them in the worry box. I want God to rule me so completely that I am no longer ruled by the things I want or the goals I desperately want to achieve. I am stepping down from the role of the "try-hard" and stepping into the role of a servant.
P - Prayer
Heavenly Father, I surrender everything to You so that You can control my character. I am exhausted from a lifetime of striving, of trying to save myself, and of falling short. Rule over me so that I am no longer ruled by the things I want. Take my relentless drive and replace it with the quiet submission of Your Spirit. Let me bear Your fruit, not my own. In Jesus' name, Amen.
Today's Challenge
Identify one specific area where you are playing the "try-hard"—maybe it's trying to fix a broken relationship, force a business outcome, or muscle your way out of a bad habit. Write it on a piece of paper, put it in a physical "worry box" (or trash can), and consciously stop striving for it today. Surrender it completely and let the Holy Spirit do what your willpower cannot.
