The Afterlife Tour, the Guavaween Hypocrite, and the Guilt of Leaving

Last night, we sat way up high on the lawn to watch Empire of the Sun on their "Afterlife Tour." It felt like a throwback to 80s glam rock with the guitars, the wild suits, and the theatrics. But for me, it was incredibly heavy. Empire of the Sun was the soundtrack to much of Cash's life. Their song Walking on a Dream went viral in a video of him on my shoulders while we were wakesurfing when he was little. I can also still hear Cash belting out, "I never felt so alive," the lyrics to another one of their songs. His last birthday montage—continuing our tradition of posting tons of photos of each other—was set to their track We Are the People.

May 21st was Cash's birthday. Hearing that song live broke me. The lyrics are straightforward: "Are you gonna leave me now?" I sat there in the crowd and broke down in tears, because that lyric hits the deepest, darkest nerve in my soul. Shortly after that birthday, on June 7th, I moved away, leaving him in Virginia to live full-time in Florida. I blame myself. The grieving father in me is convinced that if I had just stayed, he would have been with me, and he would still be alive today.

Music is powerful. I don't listen to much secular music anymore; I stick mostly to worship, specifically Mercy Culture Worship, because I know there are ultimately only two paths. Satan was the chief musician in heaven, and his greatest commandment isn't to worship him—it's simply to "do thine own will." Music today reflects that. It either glorifies God, or it glorifies the self, drowning you in "I" and "me." I don't give a lot of weight to secular artists claiming to know God, mostly because I used to be a massive hypocrite myself. I remember seeing Creed at Guavaween in Ybor City right after I graduated from Liberty University. Before playing a single note, Scott Stapp spewed a string of curse words. As a preacher's kid, I was sick to my stomach. Yet, almost a year later, at an off-campus Liberty reunion show, I got on stage and did the exact same thing. My first wife had to pull me aside and ask, "That was a little much. That's not you. Why did you do it?"

But last night, right in the middle of this massive, secular glam-rock show, Luke Steele, the lead singer, pointed up to the sky and said, "Give your pain, suffering, worry, stress, health to God." Even in a space designed to feed the flesh, God's truth pierced through. It was a stark reminder of the war raging inside all of us.

S - Scripture

Galatians 5:17 (NIV): "For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want."

Proverbs 3:7 (NIV): "Do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil."

O - Observation

There is a war going on inside each one of us. If you've ever felt like you wanted to do the right thing but couldn't seem to pull it off, Paul is telling you that's not weakness. It's the spiritual war within us. The flesh and the Spirit are pulling in opposite directions. The problem comes when we try to fight the flesh using our own wisdom and willpower. As today's devotional perfectly states, trying to defeat the flesh with willpower is like bringing a water gun to a wildfire. Victory only comes when we fear the Lord, shun evil, and submit to the Spirit.

A - Application

I still feel this war daily. I struggle with the crushing, self-imposed guilt of leaving Cash in Virginia. I still struggle sometimes with imagery and looking at things I shouldn't. But I am learning to identify my triggers. When I realize that being angry at my partner is a trigger that feeds my flesh—and is ultimately an act of self-harm—simply understanding it helps disarm it. I cannot fight these triggers with white-knuckled willpower anymore. I have to surrender them to the One who has already won. Whether it is filtering the music I listen to so I don't feed the flesh, or handing over the heavy guilt of moving away, I must actively hand the fight over to God instead of being wise in my own eyes.

P - Prayer

God, I feel this war inside me. I know what I want to do and I still find myself doing the opposite. Lord, I surrender the unbearable guilt of moving away from Cash. I surrender my triggers, my anger, and my temptations. Remind me that this isn't a fight I can win with more effort or my own willpower. I ask that Your Spirit be stronger in me than the pull of my flesh. Change my heart completely, Lord, and lead me to victory through Your strength alone. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Today's Challenge

Name the one habit, trigger, or pattern you keep fighting with willpower alone. It could be the music you listen to, a specific relational trigger, or a lingering guilt you can't shake. Today, explicitly tell God that you are out of willpower and you are handing that specific fight completely over to Him.