September 30th: When the Unbearable Met Unshakeable Joy

Today is September 30th. For some, it's just another date on the calendar. For me, it is the second anniversary of the day my life shattered. Two years ago today, my son, Cash, was tragically murdered by a random stranger in his own driveway. The grief from this type of loss is indescribable, a pressure so heavy it threatens to crush you into the pit. If I am honest, I am running on empty today.

In times of extreme, gut-wrenching pain, the world tells us we are allowed to stay down. It tells us to pull ourselves together or to try harder. It tells us that grief is our only option.

But I am learning that God operates differently. This morning, I was greeted by an audacious, almost impossible command. It wasn't pull yourself together or try harder. It was this: "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength" (Nehemiah 8:10).

The Nehemiah Connection: Fuel for the Weary

When Nehemiah first spoke those words, he was talking to a people with every reason to grieve. The walls of their city, Jerusalem, were rubble. They had been in exile, broken and cityless. Yet, Nehemiah didn't offer them a luxury; he offered them fuel.

When the pressure is too heavy to keep standing, joy is not an option—it is a requirement. It's the very thing that keeps you on your feet when everything within you wants to sit down and quit.

The divine timing of this specific scripture landing on today is no coincidence. This devotional plan was written fourteen weeks ago, and a couple of weeks back my pastor said the exact same thing on the pulpit. No human planned this. This is how the Scripture becomes alive and real, when you are open to accept that God is actively revealing Himself in your pain.

Winks from Glory

Even before I read that verse, God was sending comforts. For example, I finally got some real sleep last night—nine or ten hours. As someone who often struggles to sleep, I know only God gives me that. God wakes me up at 5:00 AM sometimes to write and inspire me, but today, He let me rest.

And when I woke up, the clock read 8:18 AM. To some, that is just time. To me, it is another palindrome number, a divine "wink" from heaven. A message from Cash and the Lord telling me, "We are communicating. You are not alone." I no longer see these as trials or tests. I know the Lord is in total control of my life.

Rejecting Counterfeit Strength

I have already looked for strength in all the wrong places. I spent my 40s partying, chasing pleasure, professional success, and physical activity to dull the pain. I did every peptide, steroid, and human growth hormone known to achieve a "perfect" six-pack. None of that brought me the peace and joy that the Lord has given me now through a relationship with Him.

I even tried every metaphysical and sorcery practice imaginable. A lot of it "worked." It brought me wealth that only billionaires dream about—and it almost killed me. It threw me in jail, led to me being cheated on and embarrassed, and ultimately almost killed me in a Dubai hotel room. Chasing those things was like chasing the wind.

Nothing compares to the fullness of the joy of the Lord. Nothing compares to the joy of working to hear those words, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." That is what motivates me.

Today: A Holy Silence

Today will be a heavy day, but because of the Lord, I have the strength. I am running on empty, but I am fueled by a supernatural source that the hard seasons cannot touch.

I am taking the rest of the day in silence. I will not work. I will treat today as a holy day, dedicated to listening to the Lord. Ceara and I are going to a Mexican restaurant. We will drink Jarritos and have tacos. And there will be an empty seat next to us. I will sit in silence. I will try to feel the pain, and I will have the joy of the Lord.

Today's SOAP